These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Pardon my French


Who goes shopping the day after Thanksgiving or even the weekend after Thanksgiving? I mean – you’d have to be a raging lunatic, right? You’d have to be so damn desperate to get out of the house as to actually be correct by claiming temporary insanity. (temporary…..huhuheeeheehahahahaha…)It was so busy in the stores this weekend that there were actually EMPTY SPACES on a lot of the shelves. And, with all the carts creating confusion and toys being bought – an internal panic voice in my head started going off saying things like OH, MY GOD! IT’S ALMOST ALL GONE! HURRY! FIGURE OUT THE ENTIRE LIST NOW! WHAT DOES HANNAH WANT? WHAT SHOULD WE GET JACK?!? WOULD CALUM LIKE THIS? WHAT ABOUT CHARLIE?!? WHAT ABOUT EMMETT?!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – THINK! – BEFORE IT’S ALL GONE!It was so busy that if the owner of the toy store had walked in at that moment, he would have had an instant orgasm.

Oh, Lord. I just put the word “orgasm” in a post. My apologies, but I can’t erase it. It was still clever. For forgiveness purposes, please see insanity listed above.There were kids scaling boxes to get to the display items that the help had put up high so it couldn’t be reached and messed with (thank you very much for that you jerkwads), 5 year olds and older were seriously walking around with notebooks and pens making detailed Christmas lists, parents were looking at shelves and not really paying attention to what their little dears were up to. I had a girl of about 6 years run into me full speed on a bicycle while I was shopping in the matchbox cars aisle.About then is when you decided that you desperately needed the candy at the exit. The 25 cent candy which is sugar in the shape of mini dog bones in glossy bright colors that you would swear HAD to be painted. Just don’t let that paint have come from China, please oh please oh please….It was SO busy that the carts were piled in the exit leaving barely enough room for a row of carts to exit and the stream of customers were unrelenting and zombified from their shopping experience and you were racing in and out between these carts before I could grab you. I was sure you would be crushed between two carts and before I could help myself, I’d shouted “JESUS CHRIST!”

“Jee-zus Kwist!”

Oh, Crap.



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