These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Baby Go - "Bye-Bye"


One of the signs that you have been exhibiting that shows your fast and steady climb out of babyhood is the most recent way you have begun to address me. I became “mom” informally and practically overnight. It would almost have been funny if it …. Oh, it’s not funny … not funny at all. You are becoming such a little boy. While I love that and the boy you are becoming, sometimes – for just a little tiny second - I want my baby back for just a second. The one that tripped over the word “mama” and reached out fat little hands to plant a very wet open mouthed kiss all over my cheek as drool ran down my neck and wet my shirt collar. The one that would let me cling onto him and snuggle for long periods of time with no signs of becoming bored with me and wanting to pull away.

I don’t know how it started but I think it coincided with daycare. The only times that you cling to me for long hugs now is when I need to drop you off in the morning. This is always such a painful moment for me because I have been so hungry for those cuddles that – it’s almost impossible for me to leave in the mornings when you want to be in my arms more than anything. And yet, I know this isn’t what is best for you. You need to play and know that you can rely on yourself more and more, too.

Now when I pick you up from daycare, you lift your face from the snack, toy or playground equipment long enough to acknowledge that I am there and exist and you will announce my presence with a simple “mom” and then go back to what you were doing with much aplomb, having proven to yourself over the course of the day that you can do it on your own.

Once we are home, you will say “mom” when playing with something to show it to me, sometimes holding it up in case my eyes had gotten so bad that I couldn’t see it on the floor there.

With this new title, I expect to look in the mirror and see a much older version of myself looking back at me. Oh, who am I kidding. I already do. I see so many more wrinkles and grey hairs than I used to… Am I really “mom” now and all that implies? I have a little person that loves me, but is his own person and needs love and attention AND a little space…. Praise and guidance AND the ability to figure it out “HIMSELF”….

Even now when you fall, you cry and want comfort but the moment I wrap my arms around you, you are pushing me away. It’s like you want to know that I’ll be there for you, but when I’m there, you want me to know you don’t NEED me. That’s okay, honey. I understand – growing up is tough and becoming independent is a long process. I hope you understand, though, why in the evening when you are super tired or even asleep that I have to wrap my arms around you. I need that closeness with you – to be Momma and know that you DO need me still. Thanks for indulging my insecurities and I promise to try to keep them in check.

I love you, honey!




Here is your most recent "Rooms of A House" Collage from daycare that you did:

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