These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Friday, October 20, 2006

So....This is Hell


At this very moment while I am writing this entry, I am in mental hell.

I dropped you off this morning for your very first day at daycare. It went well. I took lots of pictures and you were thrilled with the enormous variety of new toys to play with - completely taken by surprise by this new room and change in scene, and I was there clicking away on the camera, so you were happy. I took SO many pictures, I think the other mom in the room started thinking I was a little "off" because she kept looking at me sideways to see if I was STILL doing that...

You barely gave me a glance the whole time I was there and I had convinced myself that - this is going to be good! You'll be having such a blast, you probably won't even notice I'm not there.

I left the room to put the camera in your bag. On my way out, I was walking back by the door to leave when you noticed I wasn't there. I could hear you crying and screaming: "MAAAA-MAAAAAAAAA!" I could hear the door rattling out there in the hallway while you tried to run out of the room, but you couldn't. You called for me over and over again and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I am not exaggerating a bit when I say that it almost brought me to my knees. They felt like they were buckling under me, so I leaned against the wall and waited, hoping to hear you calm right down and then I could feel better. But you didn't...

After awhile I even snuck a risky glance back in the room through the door window. Luckily you didn't see me, but the room teacher did. She had been trying to give you toys despite the fact that you were still calling for me and crying. I think she saw something in my face that made her worry I was going to come running back in the room and grab you up and never let you go again, so she picked you up and carried you around.

I didn't go in, though...instead, I made myself walk out the front door.

I made it out to the car and suddenly I was crying like I would never stop. The kind of crying where you can't catch your breath. Before I knew it, I had dialed my sister, Erin, and was blubbering into the phone - I don't even know what I said - but she was wonderful. She kept telling me that I did the right thing and that Jack would be okay and I could check on him as much as I wanted to and it would get easier and all of the RIGHT things that I really NEEDED to hear.

Let me just say - thank GOD for family! I'm so glad you have had the wonderful experience that you have been able to have up to now by spending days with alternating sets of grandparents. Also, you have had wonderful times with your Aunt Kelly and Uncle Bobby and Aunt Erin and Uncle Brett when Clay and I would go out in the evenings for the rare date night.

I know I could have called either of my sisters and knowing that I have a support system like that makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am. I promise you, Jack, here and now that I will give you a brother or sister, no matter what! I want you to have this kind of relationship when you get older more than I want anything for you. I know you'll have that with Calum - and that makes me SO happy and convinces me that we can NEVER MOVE! But I also promise to give you siblings (hear that, Daddy?)!

I called your Daddy, too, and he told me that I had done a good job. He said that because I hadn't gone back in and taken you home, I did good. You are going to have to go to school or daycare at SOME point and it's never going to be easy, so it's good that you are there now. He assured me, too, that you would have a good day. You have the world's best Daddy, you know that? I love him so much!!

Your Aunt Erin called to check in about 30 minutes ago and made a good point that you are in a safe and stimulating environment and it's not like I just dropped you off at a gas station or something. I know she's right, but my heart doesn't seem to recognize the difference at this moment.

I don't know what it will be like for you when you have kids, but right now - I'm waiting for the end of the day like never before. I swear that the clock has never been slower. Everything that people have said to me has had to be repeated a minimum of twice before I hear it and I can't think of anything but you.

Hang in there, buddy! I know that I'm the one that is having the hardest time, but I hope you know that I'm doing this for you and that I love you. Mommy will always come back to get you. I'll never leave you somewhere where I know you won't be loved and cared for, okay? My promise to you.

And now, I'm going to do my best to get through this day from hell so I can hold your warm little body in my arms and hug you until you struggle for sweet freedom.

I love you, Jack!



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