These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Today I'm thinking like everyone does on their child's birthday about how far you have come and what the next year will bring and I'm struck looking back by the way that I've thought over the past years.(pictures of you at your class party at daycare...)It seems like I always think in countdowns.
5 more days till the weekend.
1 1/2 more hours till the end of the workday.
20 more minutes till lunch break is over.
5 more weeks of class.
350 more days till Christmas.
55 more minutes till bedtime.
You get the picture.
I anticipate the next thing that I want with every moment I'm awake and aware.
So, why do I think about this now? Because I look back on the sugar coated past and ahead at the sugar coated future and I realize the poop-covered present is more fantastic than I take the time to appreciate.This morning, I heard you calling for me and I went in and after our regular morning routine where you compliment yourself on what a good job you did sleeping through the night ("Took good nap, Mom!!!" and I exclaim about "YES! It was GREAT! GOOD JOB! to reinforce future sleep patterns) then headed down the stairs. As we reached the bottom of the stairs, your stomach rumbled and you looked at me and said "Mommy, I'm hungwy." I was THRILLED with those words and asked if you wanted some oatmeal and you said, "Yes. I want oatmeal."
Wow. We just had clear communication. You understood the signs that you were getting from your body, communicated them and I was able to know exactly what you needed and know exactly what to do to meet those needs. EUREKA! You really are growing up!
And I realized how long I've been waiting for this moment. The moment where there would be less guessing and more knowing. I'm so glad to be here, on this side of the age development graph in my mind. But, at the same time, I look back and see this:
and while I don't want to be there now and wouldn't trade it for where I am now, I can better appreciate it in my current perspective and wish I could go back there with this perspective for just one moment and love that moment again for what it was knowing that once it progressed from that point, it would never be that way again, not really.
And that is good - GREAT, actually. But it makes that past moment all the sweeter, you know?
I guess I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, but I think it's something like this. It's hard to live for the present completely. You're constantly looking forward so you can prepare and there's nothing wrong with that. And, you'll look back to learn from experiences. That's good, too.
I think today, though, I'd like to live your third birthday and as many days as I can remember to do so as though you are a grown kid and I'm looking back at this day and seeing how much more I could have appreciated it. How much more I we could have enjoyed the day without being bogged down with small details that won't matter in the long run. I want today to be one that SHOWS you what you mean to me. That you are a shining star in my world and you ARE fantastic and amazing and you can do anything you put your mind to.
As you grow, you may feel lost in the numbers of people around you - you may feel that it's hard to stand out at work amongst other talented co-workers. There's always going to be someone else that you think is smarter or more able in certain ways and you may look forward to a day when you think you will be that person or look back at paths you took and wonder if they were the right ones, but I want you to know today that there is NO ONE BETTER, there is NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT than YOU!!!
I'll try to remember this perspective myself and not get in lost in the journey. Easier said than done, I know, but I'm really going to try.
And now I better go because it's only 7 1/2 more hours until your party starts and I have a house to clean! :)