These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Tough Love


Wow. This morning was so tough, I think it kind of zapped me of all feeling. I'm sitting here in a state of numbness.
I can't tell what the trigger was that pushed us into this challenging zone (probably the binkies), but I feel completely and totally unprepared. Like I have used up all my tricks and nothing that I understood before works anymore. Someone changed the rules on me overnight and forgot to inform me!
Perhaps some of the issues we have had recently are coming from the fact that we are now Binky-free and this decision is under protest by you.No one consulted you on this little life decision and now you are showing me the same kind of consideration.Last night started out well.I picked you up from school and you were happy.We went to the park and you played with the sand and rocks.Calum showed up at the park with Aunt Erin and that was a thrill. We got to play with them in the rocks, too, and then went on the swings.When the swings got a little old, we played in the clubhouse.You started a project of putting handfuls of rocks through the window - on both sides.Here you are thrilled because Calum walked up and gave you this little stick.That made you so happy!Then we went on the slide.At one point, Calum started to fall (GREAT CATCH, MOMMY ERIN!) and you thought this was entirely acted out for your entertainment and had a big laugh.Erin caught him though and he got to go down the slide on his tushy and all was well.It was when you headed off of the playground area, that things got a little out of control. (see that little orange speck in the distance at the end of the path?!? That's you....)You started running like you do and started to get pretty far ahead.I thought: let's see how far he gets before he realizes he is too far from me and comes back. (Here you are about to go on a baseball field where children are practicing...)Luckily, you thought better of going onto the field and started running back in our direction, much to my relief.You ran in the area around us for a little while - trying to decide just where it was you wanted to be.And then you were off again.I thought you would reach a point where you weren't comfortable being so far away and come back.Well - guess what?That never happened!About that time, I really started to get nervous. Along the way, I had been calling to you: "JAAAAACK. Stop right there. Wait for Calum! Wait for Mommy!" It was apparent that you not only weren't going to listen to me, but were deliberately trying to do the opposite. I finally chased you down, and sat you down for a stern 'talking to' about not listening, but you twisted and turned and pulled away. I tried to sit you down, but you bounced back up and ran away. You definitely weren't listening and I ended up letting go and you returned to the playground for a little more fun.
I think I went wrong there. From the minute you wouldn't listen to me, I should have packed you up in the car and taken you home. I don't think anything else would have made an impression on you and I missed my chance to do this last night.
I think for your own sake and the sake of your safety, I need to get a little more strict with you about certain things. I think I'm going to make a list of the most serious items to keep me on track with being consistent on those points and see if this doesn't help.I think I need to show you that you need to respect me as your Mommy and in order to do that, I need to have confidence in myself.
So, get ready for a little more turbulence, Sweetie, but I think it'll be best in the long run.
I love you!

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