These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

How it's going...


I’ve fallen behind in keeping up with your Blog.

I should probably give you a reason for it so you won’t misunderstand, but I feel guilty about it. It seems that I have been struggling with a little pregnancy depression.

I normally have depression and am usually on medication for it, but the medication isn’t considered necessarily safe for a fetus and I don’t want to do anything that could potentially be harmful to your sister just so I can feel a little “sunnier” for the a certain number of months. Seems a small price to pay if the trade off is better potential opportunities for your sister.

But, sometimes things happen and coping is harder when you already feel shaky in the emotional department. It was really rough losing your Grandfather at the end of January. My job has been in an uncertain position until recently when I found out I was secure, but I watched a lot of friends lose their jobs. There’s been a lot of stress and I have been handling it as best that I can, which hasn’t been very good.

It seems like the only times I’m able to pull my thoughts together lately are when I’m dealing with something stressful or sad, and then it’s a coping mechanism to help pull through, but there are plenty of wonderful things that I’m missing writing about.

Like – in the times that I’ve fallen silent, you have:
- Thanked me for bringing you to this planet
- Told me you were going to marry me
- Told me that I smelled bad (called me Stinky) – not a wonderful moment, but in retrospect, it was kind of funny….(we’ll overlook that you also have taken to calling me “stupid” on occasion, but the punishment for that is immediate time out)

- Said that you were very tired and you were going to sleep until you were 5….
- Told me you wanted a guinea pig
- Said it didn’t matter if you couldn’t do something because you WANTED to do it….
- Told me that you weren’t going to share…
- Told me that you would share, but only some things
- Wanted to check on how your plants are growing (we have some starter plants in small containers to start them off and we are going to transplant them in the garden next weekend)

- Talked to Audrey in my belly
- Asked me what was in my belly? And I told you it was a BIG sandwich!
- I came to have lunch with you and your friends one day and you fed me your broccoli and theirs declaring "My Mommy LOVES Broccoli!"

-Told me jokes including – what kind of dog doesn’t have a tail? A HOT DOG!
- Started coloring in coloring books and you love it!
- Told me I needed a toy for my birthday. You insisted so we went and got me a toy. You do a very good job of playing with it for me.
- Have been regularly having times telling me stories that are really fascinating (i.e. about a man named Stinky that had a foot on his nose, etc.)

We have our moments of aggravation, but it’s been wonderful and the quiet mood that I’ve been in is one where my brain is overwhelmed and so I float through the days loving the fun moments but mostly absorbing them and not outwardly sharing them.

I am looking forward to Audrey’s birth when I can get back on track, back on my medicine and start to feel more normal with more than a shaky grip on myself and my emotions.

Thanks for all you’ve put up with these past months, you have been such a little man!



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