These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Little black rain cloud
The past two days have been very hard on you.
Both yesterday and today you received conduct reports for bad behavior at school and I can't figure out what is going on. You seem to be angry and bothered - you walk around with a complex and clouded expression on your face and, if this were a cartoon, I would imagine a little black rain cloud following you around and pouring down on you as you went through your day.
I wish I knew what was wrong and how to make it better.
I suspect it has something to do with Daddy being gone and wishing you were with us during the day and not wanting to go to school, etc, but we deal with that at the beginning of each week for the most part, so I can't really figure why it's been so hard for you the past couple of days. I think last week when he was home all week was so nice for you that it made this week especially difficult.
Still, as much as I sympathize with you feeling sad about this, your actions have me racking my brain about that I need to do next. You've been speaking disrespectfully to me and your teachers, you have been acting out with friends - hitting and kicking and even one biting incident - I know that we need to get this under control now.
You have been having a difficult time, too. I don't know why - a growth spurt? Teething? I'm unsure, but you have been clingier and therefore I have less time to give to Jack one-on-one. This difficult time seems to be harder for you in the evenings and when you wake up. Lately you become unconsolable at these times. I don't know if it's brought on by pain from teething, frustration with not being able to communicate, hurt feelings and sadness from being separated when I put you down at night or have to do chores around the house that I need two hands for. Bottom line is that you are precious to me and I feel just awful when you cry. I know it's okay for babies to cry, but I wish you never had to.
I think the hardest thing about being a mother of more than one is that you want to give 100% to both kids. I know that's my biggest challenge - and I try like crazy to accomplish this. To find a way to do two things at once, if that's the case or find a way to involve one child in another child's interest so you can really spend time with both of them.
I'm extremely fortunate that the two of you are so enraptured with each other even now. If Jack runs towards Audrey, Audrey will shriek with excitement so much so that she jumps into my arms and grins so widely at Jack, that it looks like her face can't possibly hold all that happiness. It's really fantastic to see!
So, while I know there are ups and downs and things can't always be sunshine and sugar, I am always on a search for that return to harmony.