These are letters to Jack, my son, and my daughter, Audrey. You have given me the gift of motherhood. This is just a little gift back. I want to share my experiences with you of your childhood from my perspective of watching you grow - of being your Mom.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Battling Chaos


Sometimes I feel like I’m locked in a knock-down, drag-out, bare-knuckles fight of my life with chaos. Chaos is a formidable opponent and can take form at any and every part of life. Bills to be paid, house to be cleaned, the wildlife of the backyard demanding attention, pets to be played with and loved which should be enjoyable but “things” come up. For instance, the bowel and bladder control problems due to canine aging lead to more time spent in cleaning and upkeep which unfortunately seem to zap that desire and leave less time for the more enjoyable things. School looms, work demands, and through it all I sometimes feel like I’m on the verge of drowning and I thrash about trying to keep my head above water.

Sometimes the chaos feels like a turbulent sea of water that threatens to engulf me and my attempt to maintain some control over the chaos feels like a Herculean and sometimes almost futile thrashing-about attempt to keep my head or even just my nose and mouth above that water so I’m not entirely consumed. Some piece of me feels that if the chaos washed over me, I would not be able to breath. Not be able to keep myself and everything together. It would all be destroyed in the resulting flood. It’s an awful feeling of panic and anxiety as my “to do” list that I run over and build up in my head begins to seem more like a volume of an encyclopedia than something that I could accomplish.

I feel like maybe I need to force myself to put my head under the water and give it a try. Maybe chaos isn’t like water EXACTLY. Maybe I CAN breathe under it if I just decide that the constant battle for control is too much work. How much more enjoyable would life be if I just went with the flow? After all, how much am I really accomplishing when I look back on my daily battle with chaos? Am I winning?

But it’s easier said than done and I know it. How do you teach yourself to let go and pick your battles so you can enjoy things a little more. How do you convince yourself to take that leap of faith and try to breathe underwater?



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